As John Lennon wrote “So this is Christmas” and yes what have I got, well as it’s me and out of work so not a lot.

What I have been doing is people watching and laughing my head off with the stress of mass migration to the shops, the aggression and arguing by couples trying to get the ultimate present for the children and family the pressure put on us by advertising companies to buy the latest toy or drone.

For me, G gave me her remit (as she was working hard so I could start this blog) and I went locally sourcing my products (like the candidates do in the apprentice only I had more of an idea and didn’t need to go to Oxford or Cambridge) first I checked the prices on the big shop in the sky “Amazon” and then into town.

As the town is split I raced to the top knowing I had orders waiting at Tesco, on arrival I went straight to the Customer service desk (C.S.D.) and then I was the pointed back outside in the rain to a Van at the back of the car park, now expecting Delboy and Rodney to try to sell me a japanize speaking doll to my horror my order was not on the van.

Suddenly the pleasant empty store was filled with thousands of mad Christmas hungry shoppers meaning I had to fight my way back to the C.S.D. (why do people of a certain age just stop in front of you? no warning just stop? it is not helpful and so luckily my dancing skills from when I was 8 meant I could pirouette around without a problem otherwise this lady definitely would have had a Chrismas surprise come early) A very pretty 20 something in a fetching sparkly grey Christmas jumper came to my rescue.

“your order not turned up? ok never happened before” she said 2 seconds later she pointed out I had booked for the 27th Dec and what a prat I felt (although her smile helped soften the situation) so I had to turn into sonic the hedgehog running bouncing and spinning around the store to get the products I needed.

once sorted getting out the car park was like the TopGear car football, (the people of a certain age again) cars were stopping & starting all over the place and town must have a large number of smaller people as there were a lot of cars driving them selfs.

Now even after that experience, I traveled to the next stop, B&M where I found myself in Christmas sale hell (now I have been dragged around a lot of B&M’s and luckily our one is an ok shop but today SALE!!) not that it was busy but it was more of a game of Mario this time with Boxes all over the place large red & Green soft toys lined the aisles trying to push the last of the Christmas stock with heavy discounts so once again (the people of a certain age) I found myself bouncing on boxes and mushrooms to get to the toy section so I could buy yet more tat for my loved ones.

Once again I got my Jeremy Clarkson hat on and charged my way out of the car park, on to the town center!

Once parked up at home walking into town became a similar challenge, people of a certain age taking up the path gassing away so walking in the road came the norm until the pedestrian area when yet again I had to bounce around groups of chatty people blocking shop doorways and getting my feet flattened by the many mobility scooters barging there way through the crowds.

My list was getting smaller with every shop but the time and effort just to please the monsters on Christmas day, do I queue for the tills or do I use self-service or become the blank-faced ass who selfishly pushes to the front in a non-british way.

Next year I will go back to my bad old ways, the internet, last year it was so much calmer, the products were delivered to me with no stress and I could have a beer whilst I order!